I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
