be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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