everyone is single if you try hard enough
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
