youre lurking in front of me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You were trust falling into bushes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
