So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
