Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
