watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
