i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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