I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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