hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
