Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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