What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
