The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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