i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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