Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
