i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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