im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just threw up on my dentist
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My penis needs a shock collar
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
