a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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