She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
