i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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