There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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