we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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