It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
