My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
