I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
