i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
