my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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