3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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