dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just invented taco cereal.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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