I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize