why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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