I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
