the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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