he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
