i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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