The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
