From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
