So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
