I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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