im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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