Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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