the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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