Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
