You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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