I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
