You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
