Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
