I don't usually arrange sex via text message
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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