grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A bitchslap is in order.
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