My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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