I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
