I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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