My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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