Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
