roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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