I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
