Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize