I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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