My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
