meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
