i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
