I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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