really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
