I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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