he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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