phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
