I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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