The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
