Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
