I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
