please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
