Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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